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John Candy's ghost looked at the newspaper and started laughing.

"What's so funny?" I asked him.

Candy handed me the newspaper, "The paper has been publishing excerpts from this hilarious new on-line journal called Jokers Wild."

I glanced at the paper. The journal's web address was http://jokerswild.journalspace.com

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Chapter Four

"You've been sent here to give me advice on my dating life?" Cyrus Sinclair asked with a shocked expression on his face.

"That's right," Candy nodded, "and I see from the expression on your face that you're shocked. Don't worry I was shocked too when Raphael told me. You see I was never much into the dating scene. My wife and I were happily married. Some of my single male friends were always telling me about the problems they had dating though. Maybe that's why Raphael thought I could be of help to you. They unburdened themselves with their dating problems onto me so much, I felt at times as if I was a psychiatrist, a bartender or a New York cab driver."

"Really?" Cyrus was impressed.

"Yeah," Candy nodded.

"But other than that, I wonder why you specifically was sent here to give me advice on dating?" Cyrus asked.

"I don't know," Candy shook his head, "I asked Raphael that and he said you'd be able to tell me. He said there was some special type of bond between you and me and you'd be able to tell me why I of all people, living or departed, would be able to help you. Do you know what this bond is that Raphael was referring to?"

Cyrus thought for one long hard minute before he spoke and then answered in a whisper, "No, I don't."

"Maybe you just can't think of it now," Candy said.

"You were probably my favourite actor of all time," Cyrus answered.

"Really?" said Candy.

"Yes, the day you died, that was the only time I've ever cried over the death of a celebrity. I had never cried over a celebrity's death before and I've never cried over a celebrity's death since. There are some people who do cry over the death of a favourite celebrity but I didn't count myself as being one of them until the day you died," said Cyrus.

"Really?" A tear appeared out of the corner of one of Candy's spectral eyes, "You'd never seen me before in person had you?"

"No, I had only seen you in movies and on television," Cyrus answered.

"You had only seen me in movies and on television," John Candy was really blubbering away now, "and yet somehow I had such an impact on you even though you had never met me personally that you cried the day I died. Thank you. Thank you for telling me that. I don't think an actor could ask for a greater compliment. I think that's the best compliment I ever received." The friendly ghost's tears were coming down like Niagara Falls now, "You don't happen to have any Kleenex tissues on you, do you?"

"Well I do but would a ghost be able to use them?" Cyrus asked.

"Good point," Candy nodded as he blew his nose into the arm sleeve of his ghostly jacket, "Egad! I'm going to have to wash this now."

Cyrus decided to resist the urge to ask how ghostly clothes could be washed, "I didn't know ghosts could cry."

"Neither did I," Candy continued to wipe away tears, "When you're in Paradise, you have nothing to cry about."

"I'm sorry about making you cry," Cyrus apologized.

"It's all right," Candy brushed it off, "They're really tears of joy. It was such a nice compliment." Candy continued to brush it off and then added, "I can't seem to get it off my finger."

"What?" Cyrus asked.

"A ghostly bougie," Candy was still trying to shake it off his fingers, "This reminds me of a scene in the movie "Ghostbusters" with my good friends Bill Murray, Dan Ackroyd and Harold Ramis."

"I remember that scene," Cyrus recalled.

"Boy, any kids who could see me now would really call me the bougie man," Candy commented.


* * *

Chapter Three

Cyrus Sinclair was taken aback. When he had recovered, he said to the waiter, "Uh no thanks, just the bill for the cappucino please."

"Very good, sir," the waiter bowed and left.

"Sorry about that," John Candy apologized, "I noticed him coming out. I should have alerted you. He can't see me so he probably thinks you're insane talking to yourself."

"It's all right," Cyrus brushed it off, "I should have noticed him coming myself."

"How about if I just go stand over there on the sidewalk while you pay your bill and then we can walk and talk together going down the sidewalk?" Candy suggested.

"Great idea," Cyrus nodded.

After Cyrus had paid his bill, he joined the spirit of the famed comic actor on the sidewalk.

"Sorry about appearing to you in a public place like that and making it look like you're insane talking to invisible people," Candy again apologized, "I just wasn't sure where I should appear to you. When Marley's ghost appeared to Ebenezer Scrooge in the movie "A Christmas Carol", it was in Scrooge's apartments and in the film (it may have just been Alastair Simms' particular portrayal) Scrooge looked a bit uncomfortable having all these spirits dropping in on him in his bedroom. So I thought maybe if I first appeared in a public place, you wouldn't be so scared."

"No, that's all right," Cyrus nodded his head, "I think I would have felt a bit flustered if some man had appeared in my bedroom."

"Now if I had been the ghost of Marilyn Monroe, you probably wouldn't have minded, right?" Candy laughed.

"No, probably not," Cyrus laughed as well.

"Anyways, what was I saying before the waiter showed up?" Candy asked.

"You were going to tell me why Raphael sent you," Cyrus answered.

"Right," Candy nodded, "I was sitting on the shore of a quite literally heavenly ocean watching all the heavenly dolphins jump up and down in the waves when Raphael appeared on the sand beside me. 'Hi Raph" I said to him and he answered 'Hi John'. And then Raph said 'John, I was wondering if you could do us a favour?' and I said 'Sure Raph, anything'. Then Raph said 'You can feel free to say no if you want'. 'That's all right,' I answered, 'What's the favour?'. 'Well,' Raph answered, 'it would involve your going back down to earth for a while, we're not really sure how long and giving advice to a young man by the name of Cyrus Sinclair'. 'Sure' I answered, 'say this guy isn't about to jump off a bridge is he like that guy George Bailey (played by Jimmy Stewart) in the movie "It's A Wonderful Life" because you know I was kind of afraid of heights when I was alive. Not that I won't help this young man out but you know you might have a queasy spirit on your hands if I'm standing on a bridge looking down.' 'No,' Raph shook his head, 'this particular case doesn't involve bridges or heights'. 'Whew!' I answered, 'What sort of advice am I to give this young man?'

Cyrus Sinclair and John Candy stopped below a billboard on the street that said, "Magnifico Telephone Dating Services. You'll finally meet the one you've been dreaming of if you phone this number..."

"More false advertising," Cyrus shook his head in such a manner as to indicate personal experience.

"What's that?" Candy asked quizzically.

"False advertising on billboards," Cyrus pointed up at the message on the billboard.

"Yeah, false advertising on billboards," Candy shook his head, "some things never change in 10 years."

"What sort of advice did Raphael send you down here to give me?" Cyrus asked.

"Advice on dating," Candy replied as the billboard fell down on top of him. The actor's spirit looked down at the fallen billboard around him and remarked casually, "It's a good thing I'm already a ghost or the owner of that billboard would have one That Other Place of a lawsuit on his hands."

* * *

Chapter Two

"John Candy?" Cyrus Sinclair was stunned.

"That's right, John Candy," the big blonde teddy bear of a man was smiling and still holding out his hand for Cyrus to shake.

"The John Candy?" was Cyrus' next question.

"If by the John Candy, you mean the John Candy who used to star in movies and starred in the SCTV television show, that's me," the giant teddy bear of a man still held out his hand.

"But you've been dead for the past 10 years," was Cyrus' stunned reply.

"Has it been 10 years now?" John Candy scratched his head. "Gee, it seems like only yesterday. I guess time flies when you're having fun. Paradise is great you know. It's everything you could wish for. Of course it's hard not seeing your wife and children all the time. But I know they're in good hands. God is looking out for them and someday they'll join me and hey, someday I'll get to see maybe some grandkids as well. It'll be quite a happy time."

Cyrus saw that the man's hand was still outstretched and thought maybe it would be impolite not to shake it. He reached forward to shake it and saw his hand pass right through it.

John Candy looked down, "Oops! Sorry about that!" The late actor pointed a finger at his forehead again, "D-oh! I forgot I'm a ghost. It's not Judgement Day for the universe just yet. Most of us won't be united to our glorified bodies until then. Of course there are some ghosts that are capable of giving a feeling of substance to them. They can even move material objects if they try. Like in that 1990 movie "Ghost" with Demi Moore, did you see that?"

Cyrus Sinclair nodded his head that he had in fact seen the film.

"Those are what you call earth-bound ghosts, ghosts of people who don't know they have died or ghosts of people who if they've died an unusual or violent death weren't ready to die. They're not ready for Paradise or that... other place just yet," John Candy seemed to swallow hard like a living mortal person might, "so they wander this earth, poor souls. And if they're down here a long time, they can give a feeling of substance to their spectral bodies and even move material objects. But I haven't been down here that long."

"This is the first time you've left Paradise?" Cyrus asked.

"No, I've been down here for some of what you would call earth minutes, like if my wife or children or a few of my close friends were in trouble or needed a feeling of help or comfort, I'd come and stand by them a few moments letting them know that I'm with them in spirit and I'm thinking of them," John replied.

"Do you show yourself to them?" Cyrus asked.

"No, we're not allowed to show ourselves to our loved ones," John replied.

"Why not?" Cyrus asked.

"Well, none of us up there has ever been given the full reason why we can't appear to be seen by our loved ones (there are I've been told some exceptional circumstances). When all of us, those in Paradise and on earth enter the Final Heaven after Judgement Day, we'll probably be told. In conversations with more learned souls than myself up there, I've been told that when we're down here, we must realize that it's God who's the ultimate source we should rely on not our friends or parents or spouses or even ourselves and it's for that reason we shouldn't really appear in person to our loved ones after we've left this earthly life."

"So why are you appearing to me?" Cyrus asked.

"We are occasionally sent to appear to strangers for purposes known to God alone," Candy replied.

"So God sent you here?" Cyrus asked.

"Not directly," Candy replied, "It was the Archangel Raphael."

"Raphael?" Cyrus looked puzzled.

"Raphael the Archangel not Raphael the Renaissance painter even though Raphael the Renaissance painter is probably better known than Raphael the Archangel. Not too many people had heard of the Archangel Raphael when I was alive so probably even fewer people have heard of him now. He's not as well known in most people's minds as the Archangel Michael or the Archangel Gabriel," said Candy.

"Or the Archangel Lucifer," Cyrus threw out the name without thinking.

"Fallen Archangel if you please, fallen archangel," Candy corrected him, "No, he who really shouldn't be named is a lot more well known than Raphael just like Adolf Hitler is a lot more well known than Frederick Banting who helped invent insulin for diabetics. Some of the bad guys always seem to get the glory more than the good guys."

"Anyways you mentioned Raphael sent you to me?" Cyrus asked.

"Yes, that's right," Candy nodded, "I don't know if you know much about Raphael, do you?"

Cyrus shook his head.

"Well, I remember my Catholic Church Catechism for Children which I had as a child mentioned that Raphael was an Archangel of Healing and it would be a fairly well deserved title I'd say...Say, have you read the Book of Tobit?" Candy asked.

"Book of Tobit?" Cyrus tried to think, "I don't think so..."

"It's one of the lesser-known books of the Old Testament," Candy explained, "In fact, it's part of a series of books called the Apocrypha. It's not found in all Bibles. It was found in my Roman Catholic Douay-Rheims Bible that I had but not in my Authorized King James Version that I owned. Anyways... say, do you like to go fishing?"

"Fishing?" Cyrus was surprised at the sudden change of subject.

"Yeah, fishing," Candy positively beamed, "I really loved to go fishing when I was alive down here."

"I really haven't done too much fishing in my life, no," Cyrus shook his head.

"Gee, no wonder you looked so depressed when I first saw you," Candy patted him on the shoulder and Cyrus to his surprise could feel the touch but didn't say anything, "Nothing drives away the blues like fishing. Unless of course you're really obsessed with catching the big one," the actor rolled his eyes, "then fishing ceases to be a joy and becomes a drag. Quite literally at times. Like if you're dragging your line and you think you've caught the big one but it turns out to be a huge reed instead. I remember once Jack Nicholson the actor... he thought he had caught..." the cherubically smiling blonde started to laugh, "no... no... I shouldn' t tell that story... a lot of swearing involved... particularly in Nicholson's language... no... no... all of us should just remember that we're not all going to catch the big one and if we all remember that, then we'll enjoy fishing. We'll fish for the pure joy of it rather than worry about catching the big one."

"This is what the Archangel Raphael sent you to do?'" Cyrus stared at John Candy uncomprehendingly, "to give me advice about fishing, a sport I rarely engage in?"

"Sorry," John Candy shook his head and laughed, "Why I mentioned fishing is that the Book of Tobit is a great fisherman's tale and also the Archangel Raphael appears in the story you see. You see the story of Tobit goes like this... Tobit Sr. the father in the story is sitting under a tree sleeping in the noonday sun when a bunch of swallows... birds... swallows...how shall I put this delicately?... drop their droppings on his eyelids shall I say... and Tobit Sr. doesn't wake up and the droppings sort of cook and bake in the noonday sun and when he wakes up, he's blind. Tobit Jr. meanwhile has been sent on a family matter to Babylon and while he's walking along the River Euphrates, the Archangel Raphael appears to him and between the two of them, they catch this huge fish that's swimming in the River Euphrates and then Raphael cuts out the fish's liver or gall and tells Tobit Jr. to hang on to it. Later at the end of the story, Tobit Jr. uses the fish's liver or gall to put on top of his father's eyelids and cure him of his blindness."

"So," Cyrus sat back in his chair, "what you're trying to tell me is that if a bunch of swallows crap on my eyelids while I'm sleeping in the noonday sun and I go blind, some fish's liver or gall is what you'd recommend for it?"

"Well, actually, sir," the waiter coughed an embarassed cough as he stood next to Cyrus and across from John Candy's ghost seen only by Cyrus, "I was actually wondering if you'd like to order something else and no..." the waiter coughed an embarassed cough again, "I don't believe we have fish's liver on the menu. Would you like me to check with the chef just to be sure?"


* * *

Chapter One

John Candy doesn't live here anymore... that was a stupid statement to think Cyrus Sinclair thought to himself as he dropped his napkin on the floor of the sidewalk cafe. Of course John Candy doesn't live here anymore... he doesn't live anywhere on the planet at the moment. John Candy died 10 years ago... March 4th, 1994 to be exact. He died in Mexico while filming a movie. John Candy had been one of Cyrus Sinclair's favourite actors. That's how come he remembered the date of his death. Cyrus Sinclair's latest failed relationship seemed to be getting to him. All sorts of strange thoughts seemed to be going through his mind. And now the thought... John Candy doesn't live here anymore. Well of course he doesn't.

"Hello," the smiling cherubic portly looking blonde gentleman sitting at the table next to him said.

Cyrus Sinclair dropped his napkin again. He didn't recall anyone sitting at the table next to him. He was sure that he had been outside on the sidewalk patio portion of the cafe all by himself. The only one who had spoken to him all afternoon had been the waiter when he had ordered his Cappucino. But obviously there must have been someone sitting at the table next to him who had arrived sometime. Otherwise the gentleman would not be speaking to him now. Careful, Cyrus thought to himself, you might be losing it. So deep in thought that one doesn't see anyone sitting at the table next to them. And judging from the width of the gentleman sitting next to him, the fellow wasn't easy not to see.

"Hello," Cyrus answered the gentleman and smiled in his direction. The fellow looked awfully familiar. I wonder where I've seen him before, Cyrus thought to himself.

"Are you Cyrus Sinclair?" the gentleman asked.

"Yes... yes I am," Cyrus stammered. He had obviously met the fellow before. How embarassing. Cyrus Sinclair had always prided himself on his ability to remember names and faces. And for all this fellow's seeming familiarity to him, he couldn't remember his name.

There had been a pause in the conversation as the cherubically smiling portly blonde gentleman looked at him. He wants me to answer back using his name, Cyrus thought to himself. But I can't remember his name, Cyrus crumpled the napkin in his hand.

"I'm sorry," Cyrus finally broke the silence, "I can't remember your name. You do look awfully familiar and I'm not just saying that either like some people... well... a lot of people do. But I've no idea what your name is. I'm sorry. I've sort of had a bad week this past week. What is your name?"

The blonde gentleman just waved his hands and laughed, "It's all right. I don't think we have met before. I've a good memory for names and faces myself, at least I used to have. Haven't been around these parts in a long time. It's just that I've been sent to meet you and talk to you. And I wanted to make sure I got the right person. I often had the habit of talking to the wrong person. Like when I phoned Bruce McNall and asked him if he'd like to buy the Argos with me. It was the wrong Bruce McNall. Boy, you should have been listening in on that conversation. It was hilarious."

"What is your name?" Cyrus Sinclair asked the man.

"I'm sorry," the man apologized, "Where are my manners? Gee, I haven't been in these parts for awhile. Of course, when I was down here, many people didn't have manners. But I did. Well, I shouldn't say that. I guess that's really for others to judge. I tried always to have good manners. My mother brought me up to have good manners and I tried to live up to her teachings. And what was I saying? You'll have to forgive me. I was always a person with so much to say and just had to say it that sometimes I forgot what it was I wanted to say. What was I saying?"

"I think you were going to tell me your name," Cyrus said.

"Name, right!" The blonde gentleman pointed a finger at Cyrus and laughed. "D-oh!" The gentleman pointed his finger at his own head, "Yeah, of course you want to know my name. Yeah, you're a sharp individual Mr. Sinclair. As I was sitting here looking at you, I was thinking to myself, that Cyrus Sinclair looks like a sharp individual. A little down in the dumps mind you but sharp. Oops! I hope you don't mind me saying you looked down in the dumps. I know some people when they're depressed don't like others pointing out to them the fact they look depressed. It just depresses them even more. So if you're offended by the fact I said you looked down in the dumps, I'm sorry. Feel free to slap my face! Well, actually I don't know if you can slap my face, come to think of it."

"No, you're right. I was feeling down in the dumps just then," Cyrus nodded, "Don't worry. I'm not going to slap your face."

"Good," the man smiled a warm smile, "I don't know if you can like I said. But in case, you could... It's just that I haven't felt pain in quite a while. It might have come as a shock to me. You slap my face. And I could feel it. Ouch! That hurt." The man laughed and proceeded to rub his cherubically clean-shaven face.

"Yes," Cyrus nodded, "I know what you mean. " This gentleman is quite the eccentric, Cyrus thought to himself.

He suddenly noticed a boy on the sidewalk outside the cafe staring at him intently. Cyrus looked at him. As soon as the boy saw Cyrus looking at him, his face turned ashen white and he quickly ran off down the street.

"Hm. You'd think that kid had seen a ghost," Cyrus remarked.

"I don't think he can see me," the blonde gentleman said.

Cyrus turned back to the gentleman, "What was your name by the way?"

"Right, this time I will tell you..." the familiar cherubically smiling portly blonde gentleman held out his hand in a gesture of friendship, "it's... John Candy."


* * *

Prologue

Sitting in a cafe, watching life go by. One thinks one is along the boulevard of broken dreams. Where is a down and out James Dean walking by? Where is a washed-up Bogy who has never met his Bacall? Where is a Marilyn who has never graced the big screen or who has never had an ode sung to her by Elton John? What soda counter in a milkshake bar has an Elvis working behind the counter as a soda jerk?

This is it. The Heartbreak Hotel is here. In this cafe. Oh, there are no neon signs advertising it's the Heartbreak Hotel. Heartbreak doesn't advertise. It creeps in on you and works its way from the inside. And there you are. Inside. Inside the Heartbreak Hotel. And it seems like that infamous Hotel California of Eagles songlore, you can check out but you can never leave.

You can look at the distant street corner. You can look at the corner of the patio of the cafe. You can look at the corner of your table. And at the corner of your folded napkin. And the only words you seem to hear are "In a corner stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade, and he carries the reminder of every glove that laid him down and cut him till he cried out in his anger and his shame, I am leaving, I am leaving, But the fighter still remains."


No, when all is said and done... John Candy doesn't live here anymore.